i take it back

can i really be upset? i mean yeah it sucks but is it something that ive done before? yeah

does that make it any better.. no because it puts me in a situation where i dont feel like i can even express whats going on

its put me in a perpetual cycle of giving myself away

losing myself

abandoning myself

its hard and painful to look at this shit, i jinxed it yesterday by saying shadow work is easy

but fuck

does it ever sneak up

and some really gross parts of ourselves are shown

its the feeling of just being in complete rage and anger that this is possible that this is reality

it connects the mind and reality/body to an accurate place setting and its not always nice to look at

it sucks

and it sucks because it is an ego death

it is the part of us that wants to believe these things and then the reality comes out

its a dark place of feeling like youre outstrectching from yourself and yet where the strength needs to reside is within

so while yearning externally the internals are the seeker and the consciousness witnessing is the strength

watching the body writhe in pain and suffering

but if we stayed in the dark, the suffering is much stronger

its a sick way to look at things

where pain is inevitable, pick your pain

id like to tpick the pain of truth so at least there is purpose to this suffering

this uncovering of truth within

it feels gross like i wanna throw up

thinking yesterday as well about how i live in my mind a lot, i have rarities where i truly live in the physical but the yearning to dive spiritually always pulls me in

i prefer the 5d

id rather not entertain the 3d and yet thats where everyone lives

shit thats where i am too

but id rather live in my head

its better up theere

way better than the shit that goes on here

everyones kind, you can trust everyone, they mean what they say - in my mind, everything works out

it seems spirit world is what im craving, to be able to trust my body like i can trust my mind

to warn and defend me if needed

theres sadness deep inside me and i know there’s externals causing the rise but i really feel like its old and its generational

the depth of the wound is so cutting that even the littlest nudge of energy towards it rises me up in flames

i am in protective mode

i dont want anyone in my life, and yet i crave connection

i dont trust a single soul on this earth, actual representation - except ster obviously

dogs are good

dogs are my friends, dogs dont lie, dont cheat, dont gossip or steal shit
they are just ther to love you

yeah a lot of shame coming up around how i allow others to treat me and my boundaries as to what i accept as treatment

i have a big heart and it leads me astray a lot, believing people and living in my head not really looking into reality to see if they coincide

then you realize its too late

and youre already hooked, shits already going south it has from the start and you wonder wtf how did it end up here

so do we listen to our heads or our hearts

they are used in tandem

its lonely, i dont feel like a lot of people are real, i feel the ego and veil of shit and ulterior motives are really daunting when a real person is who i try to embody, authentic

i feel like im living in a fake world

kinda depressed today if you havent noticed, this will come around im sure… i hope

self abandonment for “love”

its a weird concept because love is sacrifice'

love is pain and love is deep

love will rip you to shreds and spit you out

love will also hold you and bring a warmth that is undeniably love

love is pure and love is kind

i have no idea wtf kinda love is on the agenda these days but its just yuck

cant trust what anyone says, everyones emotionally overloaded and wonky and untrusting

its fucked

but yeah, its a 2 ways street. things end and we all have free will

we can make the right decisions or we can make poor choices and this is fact

but this is also illusory where whos to say that your right is the same as their right

how can you trust someone when they tell you straight to your face all this shit and then go against it

how can you trust someone that manipulates and tries to get their way by going the easy way around and avoiding the truth

and yet we still love

we still believe

like its so cute to think about humans just being this bleeding heart for love

and yet its pain

its tears and screaming and an inner turmoil that burns like hell

its fuck you and why did you do that

its i promise ill never do it again and next time you turn around there at it again

its fucked

and yet we still love

or atleast my mind will go to that

completely abandoning myself

my feelings towards the situation because i understand that someone else can make a mistake

martyr energy

its walk all over me so i can show you youre loveable

meanwhile i hate myself

its fucked

these programs and how evolution works

im proud and happy to be here at this time to help, but it aint a happy process

it sucks

it sucks the life outta you

but i guess thats where things come full circle

because that life was never meant to be yours to begin with

its whole pain andlove thing i understand

but i understand it from my wounds

that this is what ive been taught is that dont fall in love because itll lead to pain

itll lead to this reckonng heart ache that feels lethal

my grammy ive been looking into more and more and her birth chart is pretty interesting

she has a 12th house stellium in most asteroids and throughout her chart, sun 12th house

she had 2 major open heart surgeries and triple bypass surgeries for her heart

she was born with a heart mur mur

whatever that means

back in 1932 lol

and she loved my grampy, she also found out he lied the day they got married when they were signing the marriage certificate that he had lied to her about his age - 10 years difference lol….

but she went through a lot of pain

and her mum my greata grandma when she immigrated to canada she travelled across europe with my great granddad and they lost they’re entire family, watched their parents die, siblings and were in complete distress.. they amde it to canada just them 2 and their daughter nelly

so i look back and feel like yeah this does suck and i can see where the loss comes from

this deep emptiness inside me and this feeling of hopelessness where i dont even wanna think about myself, i wanna focus on someone else so i dont have to feel the pain

but yet when im in that position all i ever feel is loss because im over flowing their cup, i get angry when my cup is empty, then they fill it a bit and i continue filling theirs

like its a cycle of shit

and i feel like what im really focused on right now is focusing on myself

it is so easy for me to look at everyone else and say oh yeah this is what youre dealing with, change this, do this

and for me its difficult to look at myself

so we get put in positions that forces us to see through the veil into the reality of who we are

see the reality of what were working through, dealing with - so that we can move forwards

616

16

i’m healing, its uncomfortable, the loss through this year has been huge

a lot to say goodbye to

a lot of pain to tend to

a lot of lies to uncover

but one things for sure is i am walking away from self abandonment, been crying, screaming and punching my bed lots, screaming fuck you at the top of my lungs to the abyss of a field, ster wondering wtf is going on

but i know where im going, and it is peacceful and im making friends with these demons that hold me hostage just because im not paying them attention

alright ill fucken pay attention to reality…

itll probably work out better for me in the long run

i know it will.

stay strong, know your worth, and dont settle for anything less ♥

xx