grieving loss - anger being surface level

getting really angry

being angry

the push

momentum and force

what comes with that burst of anger

is intense

its a pure energy

it has power and force

use with caution

its surface level to what’s actually happening emotionally underneath it

so its like when we stub our toe - it hurts

but we get angry because its a reaction to the pain

could be easier to express, habit, whatever right

and there’s embarrassment perhaps like its an outburst

same with when someone says something that pisses us off

we’re usually pissed off because it struck a chord inside of us

triggered us, or a boundary being crossed

and we get angry

but yeah so the anger ive been feeling has subsided or is wavering lol

now its kinda this melancholic vibe

one ive been trying to avoid mentally but one that is unavoidable

letting go, actually and energetically letting go of things, dreams, ideas

especially when your mind is so used to just going

lol and dang do those chemicals feel good when we think of good times lol but that up and down cycle yikes

especially involving another party

where does one draw the line??

with ruminating, limerence, any other sort of fantasy

because thats what it is really

these fantasies that we created regarding an idea of someone

if you know, you know

it creates a really intense emotional tornado, of imagination

then when your boundaries are crossed

its just so shitty, because the love for another can teeter so easily on that line

but there has to be self respect

in the midst of it all respect can deteriorate, it can happen fast and be confusing

you start to struggle, things get weird

people stop talking or telling the truth

and you wonder woah wait wtf happened here

werent we just happy??

things disconnect and distance happens, energetically

okay well keep trying you know, bring up whats going on and move forwards

not really sure what is even causing all this drama

but keep going and then it happens again

youre crazy all of a sudden

why do you always start fights

your just a hassle to deal with - on both sides

well whats the issue??

lol right

like obviously somethings not jiving

and its hard with trauma to understand what is actually going on in these situations

and to trust also energetically that what youre feeling is legit shit

because there has been years of instances that have told your brain that that is normal behaviour

but how does one release the hold

it’s something im just starting to really look at, super in depth

something i definitely have experienced but still interested in couples dynamics and energetic relationships

how they start and how they can thrive, why we can get so attached to something

with these instances in life where its like okay this is uncomfortable, why am i still here

thats something i think astrology has a lot to do this, big planetary energies coming together mathematically to create an energy - whatever it may be

to bring to surface some sort of knowledge for you

to better your life

ive always hated the feeling of heart break, seems normal, its just something i avoid at all costs and that means trying my fucking hardest in the shittiest of situations to not feel it, lol well that doesnt work

i guess loss in general for me is hard to process

i come from a long line of weird minds lol

but when we run from it, it just shows up in a different person flipped around, another perspective, to get us to see…

that the heart break is still inside us if its not healed - energetically

lol yay

it happened already, and the imprint is still in us, because its sucks and it hurt and even though we may go around saying oh it didnt suck, fuck the other person, blah blah well that pain is still there

its still hurting

and when we get close to someone now, we get a little twinge of pain and sadness

from the initial break lol

so energy healing is making more sense right

so yes heart break sucks

but you know what sucks more?

being disregarded, not listened to and disrespected - and having that be your reality

on either side

its kinda like how did we end up here?

well its little actions you see lol

little actiosn that form these energetic pathways in a relationship, even with yourself and how you act

and ive experienced like hyper action with this to start the relationship off

they just test the waters

what if i say this

what if i do this

how do they react

what do they do

oh if she gets too mad, okay dont do that again

so maybe people arent aware, but seems like we are the type of people who are

and with people pleasing, its when we are like my needs dont matter im just being nice to this person - we let a lot of shit slide at the beginning that in reality are huge deal breakers

and that can stick around..

what just came to my mind is we all have an idealized version of our partners in our head, whether their relatable or not - this happens everywhere not just in relationships but

that’s for us to be aware of

and you can feel the energy the pull/push dynamic

what we chase and what we attract

and then we get into it, time passes we get used to these normals and its like woah what happened

and it can be codependency, a need for a relationship to “fix” us

anything really, it’s all relative

or maybe im just good at seeing these things lol

but in my years of learning this wisdom lol ive found that

when we dont have that energetic strength or the boundaries to feel whole energetically, we encounter situations that fuck our shit up so we know how it feels to have our shit fucked with lol - and hopefully a desire to bring our shit back into equilibrium and not have it happen again lol

we kinda get thrown all over if we aren’t paying attention

the stability of things are nice also, but how does one attract stability when we’ve thrived on chaos?

energy healing lol

and crying lots, screaming, punching the air lol - sounds fun i know

but yeah this dynamic in realtionships ALL STEM BACK TO us

the ones feeling these feelings

when we project an energy of being a certain way

(disrespected-not listened to-you know go through the book of your last relationship and list them

and it can be in any situation regarding people, and energy and interactions lol

it is a mirror projection OF HOW YOU FEEL INTERNALLY

it is all a projection

they are a mirror

showing you how YOU feel about yourself

and it will deteriorate through the realtiosnhip just like anything else if we dont have energetic boundaries

because we are continuing to put up with behaviour and treatment that conintue to lower our self respect

so healing the parts of us that feel we deserve that…

noticing that this is even happening

because it can get heated

so heart break sucks but being in an unhappy unfulfilling relationship sucks too

pick your hard

where im at is, we start with ourselves, build a strong relationship within ourselves

so that need for acceptance from another doesnt feel like the end all be all

we have the energetic strength and boundaries to know ourselves

so we cant be fucked with lol

and ive found energy healing to bring me back to that center

even meditating lol

like anything to get you out of your mind and feel into the body

and in relationships well..

in these sticky situations

its tough and relative in each situation

i think its a feeling

that you go with

and until the feeling of wanting to leave outweighs the feeling of okay i can go another round

its just heavy

karmic loops lol

because i found it to be like a vortex

so you leave the voretx and get flung back in because the energy is still there

and usually there is more learning to do

if you get sucked back in to it

i think soul contracts especially big deals that we go through

they have divine timing at play and a purpose

so sometimes we just gotta shut up and go through it

so, whats under anger?

coming into a new feeling

a new chapter of the grieving process

yeah its feeling real

difficult too when its starting over

for me that feeling of like expectation you know

fuck it hits hard

i dream so big

the whole thing just like its a hard pill to swallow when it crumbles

walking away

saying goodbye

just like this empty feeling

but when survival is what youre used to

thats how life is

until things are shifted subconsciously

just a lot of sadness coming up around that realization

the loss, i can see it in my mind like something is taken away so we have a hole there

and we can try and fill it

but just like little bits one by one they come back together and heal

that codependent abandonment wound, its old and has been there for a long time usually

this loss

starts with anger

its starts with blaming, fuck yous, how could yous, you did this, you did that, anger and just venting

then we get to the nitty gritty

anger is almost like the initial eruption of a volcano lol

then the lava is whatever else is underneath, gets pushed out by anger

old and new shit

these feelings we felt while being in the relationship

they come up

shame around how we treated and were treated

like the feelings are just gut wrenching

looking at it all

gad damn lol

but being a clear channel to feel all those feelings

judgement free

within your own self

honestly

thats healing

in safety

bring yourself protection

within your own body

yeah im in the lava right now

swimming around

burning my skin and flesh lol

learning this for what feels like the first time

but actually its much deeper than that

generations of healing taking place at this very moment

you are worth more than these habits

i want to remind you that you are worthy of the love you so easily give to the world

and just because they or you are not ready to recieve it does not mean you should change your big heart

these moments of pain are for discerning the right people to give that love to

yourself being the number 1

to protect yourself

feel the anger

the sadness

the shit

and you’ll come back to yourself

youll find your way back

all the dreams that you had, can still be had

things are just shifting

feel the shitty stuff and go with your own flow of things

ooxx