gaslighting ourselves
well i mustve hit a money spot
because so much is coming up around gaslighting
being gaslit
and even where we gaslight ourselves
this is of course learnt.. and why i like that reasoning is it takes the “you” out of the equation, releases blame and eases responsibility easier
we are on this earth with all different purposes
this is learnt, this is normal
this is no ones fault
this is something we are just dealing with
and when we deal with it, it creates a ripple effect
and dealing with it is first seeing it
but anyways
ive talked about gaslighting in all my posts from today,
and im hitting something thats really huge for me right now
the whys, wonderings, what is this feeling
i understand now
gaslighting
its opening up something thats bigger than what i had anticipated
this is like monumental lol
and it all lines up with psychological western medicine
and where i believe these 3 and 4 letter abbreviations come from that explain mental trauma and untapped spiritual gifts
gaslighting and being disconnected from self
usually from a young age
because kids are known to “not know”
and yet kids are the closest thing to the subconscious that we as adults can get in our conscious realities lol
broad statement, just came out flowing though
and i feel like with gaslighting its something that really isn’t meant to harm
it can even be a form of protection
some sort of protection from danger, but it disconnects us from our thinking brain and shared reality of another individual
so we end up searching and wondering as to why we feel this way
over active conscious minds
because it wasnt taught
and then our brains are kinda like, well ive never dealt with this before
and it goes into a fear cycle of well what can happen
just trying to piece all this together lol
and our brains then are running
because thats their job
to think, but they’re running inefficiently due to the disconnect from reality
so we think and think about the probable cause for said reaction internally
but we cant find it because its been told to us that that nothing is actually going on
so the pathways towards said solution to current feeling was never established we just got all these fears rummaging around
and then the problem grows really
it festers, and i see someone grabbing at straws
its what it feels like
i feel its like something that has just been created through societies evolution and now its in the early workings of healing from these defense mechanisms
lol
yeah
its weird to to think back in my life and i do feel like for majority of my life i was conscious to my surroundings
ive always been aware of energy and how i feel around people
i dont have real solid memories like some people rememeber crazy shit
but i remember my grammy and i always hanging out like friends
like even as a young kid
i always felt older
i knew social queues lol however you spell it
and i was good in the crowd that i was raised in
then you get thrown in to settings where everyones different
motives are different
im working on all being my own person,
self esteem, i feel i went too far left on the martyr side in that last karmic cycle - i guess i surrendered lol
but like i do feel like ive felt this disconnect for majority of my life where i have a persona i enact and then i have my own inner consciousness inside me
and ones hiding
and it is protection
its nice to have a filter i suppose
but when the filter is completely jammed up and social anxiety creeps in and you cant really feel like yourself
it creates this mental prison
and if that prison was created in childhood
how the f do you fandangle your way outta that mess
right
therapy lol
or untreated you can make life really fun
like thats what im working on lol
releasing the lies that keep me safe
but weirdly enough it doesnt take the nervous feeling away
because the fears are still there
we can of course stretch our comfort zones and do what may seem like the impossible
but the mental gaslighting of it all
it creates voices
that quiestion you and make you wonder like is this real
is that what im feeling
yes it is what youre feeling
because your feeling it
taking the programs, thoughts and beliefs of the mind
and making a story out of them
may be a good dopamine hit lol
they are not beneficial
inner wars lol
different stroylines
contradicting one another
causing a ruckus lol
all the thoughts tied with the emotion are the cause of suffering
being someone who may not be comfortable FEELING in front of people lol its kinda like social anxiety in a nutshell
especially shame dynamics where uncontrollable outcomes seem greater than the experience, im teaching myself right now to enjoy the feeling of embarrassment
lol feel turned on rather than turned off by it
you know
these cycles that can be going on under the surface of life
its felt really weird through saturn return
because i guess those were
tests
and now i hope im at a time where i can trust my mental abilities now, feels a lot clearer, but also learning and integrating
lol cuz it feels clear
but i dont know
lol second guessing
all these feelings and thoughts lol
can i maybe trust?
yikes
lol
what a weird concept lol
anywho,
the moral of the story really is
and a teacher of mine taught me this
“thoughts are farts”
lol
what our brains are thinking
is coming from an emotion in our body
a thought is a fart
lol from our body
so in my experience
we have to feel the emotion
ignore the story
come back to level ground
and then go into detective mode - whether that be communicating fears to the person, or disregarding the PTSD flashback
whatever you deem as neutral for your situation
and rememeber
thoughts are farts lol
don’t go creating a big story mentally because it feeds your dopamine and adrenaline sectors of the brain because youre bored and addicted to chaos
even though its fun, exhilarating and enticing lol
peace is nice, ive heard
apparently lol
im sure i will be a little chaos witch till i die
a tornado of wtf lol
proudly
quit gaslighting yourself
your experience was real
your experience matters
to you
and that is enough
honour your body and impulses and trust the guidance
xx
