individuality
Anyways
Just needing to journal about what i dont know
I just feel kinda in a spot where i feel overstimulated but im also thriving in lots of ways
Like being in survival mode is helping me thrive
I easily let go of things
And i can help others now
Fearing being away but also fearing being out of sight forever
Just close enough not to get too attached
Far enough away where i feel lonely all the time
a longing to connect
on a level that touches the soul
someone who understands and feels the way you do
exhausted of this fake superficiality that plagues the nations
all these expectations driving us farther away from our truth
probably less than half the population doesn’t know what they want
as i listen to my friends 2 year old scream cry at 730am i realize i would probably neglect my child like my mum did me lol emotionally
lol, but society and value and all these scales they give us to measure our worth in society with
leave us in those same systems to prison us
it’s ridiculous
i come from a small immediate family
grammy, grampy,
mum, auntie, uncle
me
auntie uncle never married
mum married a few times
grammy had open heart surgery lol always wonder if that had something to do with it, god gave the family a little heart restructring
well when you thinnk of how treturous the war times wouldve been
like even family on my side they had family die immigrating to canada
that’s 2 generations from us
not a lot of time to purge emotions from the body after such oppression and loss
a lot of us are dealing with that now
we are purging old belief systems and old ways of thinking
and we are coming into freedom
of self
of life
by healing our bodies
all of them
its guided
evolution
anyways yeah so i wonder as far as like fearful avoidant anxious attachment style is generational lol
yeah it’s been a ride i can tell that things are definitely moving in the right direction but yeah the lonliness and yearning for connection is very strong today
its a pull between two things yet they are in my life currently and i dont want those
its like ive outgrown my surroundings
once again
fuck this happens like every fucking month lately
lol
perhaps this curse is a blessing, is stability in myself
i do feel strong right now
but am working on communication and channeling anger lol ive done it my whole life to my mother so unpacking that
real detriment to my family connection, just consistently pushing each other away and then coming back because its burried never talking about anything
its like a total bitch to talk about shit where you have to be vulnerable, i can to a certain point but my family is not like that at all
seeing a new side of myself
that was the love i was taught
its the shadow
the love i desire and give is through that
because thats the darkness clouding me from seeing clearly
emotional check in: feeling anxious, or more like electrified lol happy i’m really utilizing these platforms in an authentic way, it feels easy rather than forcing myself to be a certain way
like how everyone else does shit
individuality
