unhealing

when i took that first hit

it didnt quite sit how i wanted it

so i gathered myself and asked for a little bit, a little bit more of it

some of your sweet kiss and surrender

to feel some of it again

something that made me feel like i was alive again

not so dead and torn up like i wanted it

the entire time asking to get me the fuck on out of this

it just didnt quite hit where i wanted it, the wound that held all this together

i was warned right

before i hit the floor

that i had been here before

the memories flashed as i flung myself through that open door

i guess i forgot how much it hurt, to fall, to feel it all

and not remember that it would be me laying here at the end of it all

addicted to the pain and what it teaches me

thinking i need to be this way to have some sort of confidence

look at me and what i can carry without bearing it

this makes me strong and i never really understood

that life could be different than this

i wear my smile and just continue going on

saving face for no one because i am this strong

what if when youre strong you get tired and just wanna lay back and let it all go

but how do you do that when youre broken laying on the floor

always chasing these highs that tell me the same damn story of pain like i deserved it

looking at me in the face like i had no idea this was all about to happen

again

each time i wonder who placed me here

it couldnt’ve been me this feeling is stronger than ever

i open it up, see whats inside to feel something other than numb

its funny how it all feels so much better

to have something to cry about, when im the one behind the pain ever after

patience has never been my strong suit waiting for these closed doors to open

the bashing of the bull seems like its a better option

than waiting around for the world to change along with me

whatever it is

its making me proud

to be whoever this was that created this mess

as i sit in distress

wondering how i ended up here

again

self love
of my everlasting light and dark